xxxxx Home sweet home xxxxx

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

What a difference a year makes!


This time last year everything was so different.

This time last year was the last week of living in halls, the week where arrangements were being made, belongings being packed away into boxes, and a hell of a lot of tears shed.

In all honesty, this time last year I would have chopped off my own legs to have lived there just for another few months. I loved every single second, every single smile and every single memory. Halls was a place never to forget, never wanting the leave the most amazing experience behind to start a new chapter, just pure longing to stay in this one.

I cried continuously for three days when I left. I cried the whole day before leaving packing my stuff up. I cried the whole 6 hour journey home. I cried the whole next day at home before going on holiday with my girls, I even cried on that. I could have lived there forever.

But then came this year.

This year, a few weeks in I was talking to people about spare rooms, already thinking of moving out. I stuck 14 Henwick avenue out, I'm still here in its dirty filthy messy living room writing this. It's held very few memeories, very few good times to remember. It's seen its up, but my god its seen its downs. We've been lucky however, although the four of us have made it quite clear that we just simply dont really like eachother, we've not really argued. Thank god.

With Kate and Briar moved out, it's just me and Maria. And I cant wait now to have the place to myself to chill out on my own for a bit before moving over to my next little house.

3rd year will bring new adventures, new excitements, and I've got a little butterfly in my stomach in the apprehension that it may resemble halls again.

It was hard, but I think I made the right decision.

2 Blenheim Road and a full summer in Worcester, here I come! xxxxxxxx

Thursday, 20 May 2010

The end is here.

I am sick and tired of people.

The final goodbye to him was today. And no-one here knew. No-one cared enough to ask.

Yet funnily enough my girls knew. My real friends. In different places, for one even a different country. Yet she knew. I didnt need to approach them , to tell them, they just asked. I dont remember when someone here actually asked how I was, and meant it, wanting to know the ins and outs of my life, to listen, to care.

Get me out of this hellhole, this fake reality, this inescapable tunnel of blackness.
Push away the fake, the nasty, the pathetic, and step into the warmth of family and friends.
This wonderful city's lights have gone out now, it's time to go home.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Lets just stop it all...

Lets all just stop it...

Licking arse doesn't get you anywhere. It may make you closer to people for a short period of time, but it makes others dislike you for longer. I love uni life dont get me wrong, but it's getting pretty damn boring nowadays. It's all just one big competition.

I feel judged 24/7. Judged for what I wear, for what I say and for what I do. I used to think it was jealousy sometimes, how wrong was that. Im not judged in a ' ooh I'm interested in what you're doing' kinda way, no, I'm judged for that person to wonder how to better themselves and be the centre of attention, them thinking of how to shut me up so they can discuss themselves. I'm sick and tired of the dirty looks, sick of people getting in a strop as I spend time with people who those who judge think are 'theirs'. Sick and tired of the competition of seeing how many times you can say that mutual friends name in a sentence, once again like they are 'yours'. I feel judged for spending time with my own friends, my boyfriend, anyone.

But those who judge are nothing. Mindless people who just need to get out more and experience life or to be honest just fuck off. I'm sick and tired of feeling bad for doing things. Feeling bad for wanting to see people one on one, like it's not allowed. Sick and tired of doing stuff for people for it to go completely unnoticed. People moan that their life's not good enough, there's always some fucking problem. Whether it's a guy or a girl, unrequited love, money or family. They think the world's going to end with their measly problems, yet no-one actually cares.

I have only one problem recently, and the problem is all of you.

If you took two seconds to crawl out of your own self-centred boxes where everyones competing for popularity or friendships, you might see that the people closest to you need to speak themselves instead of listening continuously to you. I've sat for hours on end listening to you, sleepless nights, put my life on hold, cancelled plans just to listen to your pointless childish "problems". I ask all of you, when have you ever done it for me, or for anyone else.

Lets just stop all the bullshit, nothings ever that amazing, no night was ever that good, nothing was ever that funny.

Lets stop all the lick arse. Stop all the public displays of lick arse. One person might love the way you're sucking up to them, but everyone else just thinks you're a twat.

Lets stop talking about ourselves, you might actually be better off for it.

This isn't playschool, this is adult life. Grow up and shut up and get on with things. Really, seriously, no-one gives a shit about you or your so-called problems. So dont make me stop my life to listen to them. They're nothing.

My friends are my friends, whether they are yours too. Get over it, and dont you dare even think to judge me.

Love from the bitchings and rantings of the mad woman, I told
you I was going to let it all out on here. xx

Sunday, 2 May 2010

I dont know who to talk to or where to write, so it shall be here.

Yes, this is my second blog, and probably my most 'down' one. I just honestly dont know who to turn to to talk to in fear of boring them with unnecessary moanings and crying spells, and as I dont have a diary then I'll write here. Today someone close to me died. Someone who did so much for me and my family when they didn't have to, when they were so poor themselves they went and bought me most of my baby stuff, childhood toys, all out of the goodness of their own heart. And telling people that he died, and explaining who he is to me and my family makes people just think he was nothing. I can tell that they think because he wasnt blood that he doesnt matter, like he must have been someone so distant to me. And it made me realise how small minded society as a whole really can be. To me, family isnt blood. Family isnt sharing the same surname or having a tag like 'grandma', my whole life my close family has been a large group of people, none of whom have shared the same surname as me except for my own mother. Blood is nothing, friendship and love is everything. Rest in peace Eric, for you have done so much for me and my 'family', and I will forever be eternally grateful to you xxxxx